The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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