And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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