You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
