Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
