Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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