My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
