Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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