Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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