Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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