there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
