I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
