Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
