I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
