Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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