It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
