I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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