She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
