I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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