he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
