i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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