I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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