so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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