Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
