If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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