my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
