I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
