someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
