I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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