so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
