"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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