I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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