If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
