I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
