How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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