Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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