theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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