How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
