Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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