Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
