i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
