yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
