Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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