I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
