I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All I want is dick and wine.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
