Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
