Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
