just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
