So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
