We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
