Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
