My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
