I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
