i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
