I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The adults are the big ones right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
